Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
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Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan