I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
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Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.