guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
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Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
New menu item
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?