me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.