Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
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Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Saw online –
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids