[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
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I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
When the stylist spins you back around
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What