“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.