3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
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Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Sounds like a bargain
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.