Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
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I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
gentlemen, hear me out
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
This took me a second..
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Okey dokey.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans