*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
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*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
If snakes were wide
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Me when my alarm goes off
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.