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Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.