*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.