Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
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[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?