*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
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Lol #dogsoftwitter
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
doing your own taxes
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”