High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
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A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
New favorite tiktok
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”