Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
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When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
sliding into dms like
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
How times have changed.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector