What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
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Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.