Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
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I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”