Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
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Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
*pronounces patio like ratio
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Just ordered me some pizza!
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.