Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
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Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?