The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
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[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth