prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets