My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
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I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink