Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
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Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
sir, my pâté if you please