Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
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I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot