I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
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[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister