I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
You Might Also Like
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight