ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
You Might Also Like
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer