EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I don’t think my car can fly
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Raisins are grape jerky.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s