I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
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This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself