Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
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A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Become a minion. Get that bread.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”