Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
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“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I love you to the refrigerator and back
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.