Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
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I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps