I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
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*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago