Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
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Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
car not found
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Alexa: *deep breath*
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
When someone trying to leave me
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes