Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
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After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
That’s classic.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
More like Kate Missington.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Genius idea!!
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?