Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
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Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else