I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
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Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’