Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
You Might Also Like
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama