[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
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Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.