Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
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Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
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Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…