I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
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WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
got so much cardio in today
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
But that’s none of my business
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
And then there were 4
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.