4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
You Might Also Like
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.