Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
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Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.