Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
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ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
rapatouille
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?