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My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”