japanese corn
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The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks