Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
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Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.