My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
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“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain