Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
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my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I’m giving up for Lent.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*